top of page
BURT (TIM HEIDECKER)
The smartest guy you never want to get caught talking to at a party, or stuck in line behind at the supermarket, or in an elevator, or at Starbucks, at a urinal, and especially not in his Weelz ride share. A former professor at a top 200 school, Burt was let go for, in his mind, being too smart. According to his gospel, the world has gotten it all wrong and if everyone would just shut up and take his advice, everything would run a lot smoother. The truth is if he would just shut up and listen to the world, he could be a whole lot happier.
COCKY (MATTHEW RHYS)
Do they make Xanax for birds? Neurotic, anxiety filled, obsessive-compulsive all stemming from a tough upbringing and being abandoned by several owners. Cocky has had his share of tough times while searching for true meaning in his life. He longs to be accepted and the only way he knows how is to try to please anyone that will agree to be his owner. Having exceptional eye sight, Cocky has a perspective that humans do not. He can see deep into your soul and pull out your essence. But perhaps that’s his shield so he doesn’t have to look too deeply at his own soul... or too deeply at his own feathers and be reminded of the fact that he goes through life with no penis.
IRMA (RHEA PERLMAN)
Burt’s mother and the reason he is so miserable. The fact is she’s a thousand times
more miserable and takes every opportunity to blame it all on Burt. The reigning queen
of the guilt trip. Deep down, though, Irma loves Burt but lives in denial that he could
actually be her natural born son… even though she gave birth to him! She lies, cheats
at every game, steals from stores, because as far as she’s concerned she’s owed for her
tough life and she’s gonna get what she can before she dies a horribly painful death that she’ll blame on Burt in her dying breath (she’s already written out what she’ll say – even
if she has to have a nurse read it to Burt).
JAMARCUS
Burt may believe he is the smartest person around, but Jamarcus actually is the smartest person around. That problem Matt Damon solves in Good Will Hunting? JaMarcus solved it in the womb. But as brilliant as he is, Jamarcus is completely naïve to how the world actually works and constantly makes the mistake of looking up to Burt for advice on everything. He clearly is looking for a father figure until his actual father comes back from the Mother Ship. Yes, a five year old JaMarcus believed his father (as
he was running off with his 25 year old assistant) when he said that aliens had asked him
to come aboard their UFO to help fix something only he was qualified to but he would
return. JaMarcus waits everyday for that inevitable reunion, but until then, he will lean
on Burt for paternal guidance.
JEANNIE
Yoga Practioner… Check. Energy Healer… Check. Crystal enthusiast… Check. Rolfer…
Check. Psychedelic Therapist/Guide… Check. Psychedelic enthusiast… Check.
Shaman… check. Sound bather… Check. Ultra Vegan… Check. Dream Catcher… Check.
Journaler… Check. Meditator… Check. GOOP loyalist… Check. Colonic Cleanse
practitioner… Check. Pod Caster… Check. All of this in the name of becoming as
centered as possible, and to ward off the nightmares and, dark demons of her
childhood. Namste…
KLAV
Burt’s brother-in-law. Probably a former Oligarch. Probably an FOP (Friend of Putin). Probably a former high level assassin. But those are all speculative, because Klav never reveals where he is from or who he was before he came to the US. When asked he just says he was a “tennis pro.” What we do know is that he loves America and all its freedoms. Where else can a person make millions in Multi-Level-Marketing schemes. Build a dream home to resemble the summer castle of his old country’s dear leader. Fill it with all the things he wished for as a child… a baby panda petting zoo… a plastic surgery center… A room where the band The Scorpions play 24 hours a day. (Not a recording, the actual band!) And don’t try to one up him because he has the will, drive and cash to outdo you.
TANYA (TORI SPELLING)
Burt’s sister. Dumb, vain, vapid, materialistic, narcissistic. In essence the perfect wife
for Klav. What kills Burt is here is a woman whose only job as a model for Work Boot Warehouse lasted a day, she met Klav and has never had to work ever again. All her
dreams literally come true. Because of which she lives on a cloud. But with Burt she
always acts like the poor sister. She has no job, no savings of her own. It’s all Klav’s
money. Her heart in her mind is gigantic. Just ask her millions of Instagram followers
(99.9% of which are bots bought by Klav) including Irma who has always and still to this
day spoils Tanya.
bottom of page