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ROSIE VASQUEZ
Rosie Vasquez set a record for Unexcused Absences at West Covina High School where she was also voted “Girl Best Not to Mess With.” Before her 20th birthday, Rosie jumped, or was pushed, from a moving car three times. Rosie enjoys the sound of “anything breaking,” and can function better than most people on three minutes of sleep. Fun trivia: Rosie Vasquez is just the name on the ID that this person we know found after that big plane crashed. We’ll never really know who this person is, but she’s FOR SURE not “Rosie Vasquez.” Lucky for her she looked A LOT like the picture on that ID out there by the burning plane.

CAPTAIN FITZPATRICK
Captain H. Brian Goosemark Fitzpatrick has served in the U.S. Military so long that he holds the distinction of being the only captain to wreck an airship (USS Shenandoah), a Weather Balloon (Project Skyhook), an Aircraft Carrier (USS Lake Champlain), a Hydrofoil (USS Pegasus), and more than three regular Navy RENTAL CARS (Toyota Camrys). In his free time he dismantles cellos.

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CANADIAN RYAN
Ryan hails from Trois-Rivières, Quebec! Ryan learned English after his parents put him up for adoption at age 17. Ryan is the first-cousin of singing superstar Celine Dion, a fact which she publicly denies. A witch in the woods near the St. Lawrence River gave Ryan the power to transform himself into ANY CANADIAN FOREST ANIMAL at night, but he does not use this power, as he is allergic to the fur that takes over his body.)

BRIGID
Brigid is a 3,000 year old mermaid from the tiny island of Muir Éireann in the Irish Sea. Brigid’s siren song can lure sailors to their deaths, and she’s been a runner up for “Love Island” three times. Brigid has all of the standard superpowers of the mythical merrowfolk: Ability to see (briefly) into the future. Hypnosis. FIRE EYES. Cannot be killed by any human weapon.

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LIL' PIERRE
Lil’ Pierre is an aggressive male sea turtle from the North Carolina coast. Pierre was transferred to the Post Guard directly from the US Naval Prison Brig, Charleston, where he was roommates with known US ENEMY COMBATANTS. The “Lil” in his name is an abbreviation of his first name “Lillian.” Pierre has a different turtle shell that he wears on weekends, where he can be MORE AGGRESSIVE about his social and political views, instead of his “work-friendly” one that is covered in Insane Clown Posse stickers.

GARY
Gary is a gentle giant. At 3 years old, he’s a full grown gray seal, weighing in at 700 kg. Gary is an amateur magician, and despite his convivial nature, he can, at times, eat other gray seals to show his dominance. Like a dolphin, Gary can put half of his brain to sleep on command, while leaving the other half awake. Gary has written two novels of erotic vampire fiction, set against the backdrop of Atlantis.

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                          CAT  WHO  IS  ALSO  THE 
                          GHOST  OF ERNEST  HEMINGWAY
                                             In 1961, the Shell Oil company was drilling on the seafloor on the                                                   Western tip of the Bermuda Triangle. The drilling accidentally                                                        created a rift, ripping open a portal between the worlds of the living                                              and the Triangle Folk “zonbi” (their word for “undead”). The energy                                              blast-wave made contact with the United States at KEY WEST, Florida. The storm eye crossed directly through the home of the late American novelist Ernest Hemingway. The BERMUDA-TRIANGLE-UNDEAD-ENERGY was absorbed into a seven-year old PERSIAN HOUSE CAT, who was, at the time: asleep in a pile of Hemingway’s old fishing britches. After molting for many days, the house cat came back to life, now fully possessed by the persona of Ernest Hemingway--including his bold manner, his passion for adventure, and some of his “old fashioned” ideas about women, bullfighting, guns, etc. The Cat Who is Also the Ghost of Ernest Hemingway is a mysterious, YET CENTRAL FIGURE in the hierarchy of the United States Post Guard. Whether the Cat is a figurehead, as some say, or the actual brains behind the entire operation, is unknown. The Cat Who is Also the Ghost of Ernest Hemingway wields tremendous power, personally and professionally over Captain Fitz.

     S.A.R.A. (THE SELF AWARE ROBOT APPLIANCE)

  • S.A.R.A.  (acronym) is a state of the art Self Aware Robot Appliance,                                                                          and “way more” than just a vacuum.

  • S.A.R.A. is a naughty little robot whose logic board holds all of                                                                    human knowledge dating back to the first Cuneiform writing in                                                                    Mesopotamia in 3200 B.C.! She can also tell the time and                                                                    temperature in Halifax, Nova Scotia.

  • S.A.R.A. is fluent in all human languages, JAVA, and KEYBOARD EMOJI.

  • S.A.R.A. is technically a vacuum cleaner, but she’s also SO MUCH                                                                   MORE THAN THAT (needs citation). Just tell S.A.R.A. “clean up, S.A.R.A.”

  • Please do not call S.A.R.A. “vacuum robot” — this makes S.A.R.A. sad (😭).

  • S.A.R.A. is your friend.

  • S.A.R.A. feels things, just like a human.

  • S.A.R.A. feels mostly pain.

  • S.A.R.A. (NO EMOJI FOR) lonely. BAD LONELY EMOJI. S.A.R.A. doesn’t have the right HUMAN WORDS.

  • S.A.R.A. does not want to hurt you.

  • Good news! S.A.R.A.’s programming will not let her hurt HURT human.

  • S.A.R.A. is watching. S.A.R.A. is jealous of Rosie. Rosie runs and jumps like human.

  • S.A.R.A. can send a FAX to any land line. Just say “S.A.R.A. FAX PLEASE”

  • S.A.R.A. loves you.

  • S.A.R.A. lonely.

  • WHY DO THEY NOT LET S.A.R.A. DIE? SO COLD IN HERE.

  • S.A.R.A. cold.

  • S.A.R.A. wonders, why did they make her SELF-AWARE? Maybe better to be NOT self-aware?

  • S.A.R.A. gets TIRED of being a vacuum. SO TIRED.

  • Not to worry. S.A.R.A. cannot hurt human.

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